Yes, Gwyneth’s vagina has been good to us, but it has primarily been good to her.
Gwyneth Paltrow's Vagina Candle Reportedly Exploded, Starting an “Inferno” in a Woman's Living Room.
Ever wondered what Gwyneth Paltrow’s nether regions smell like? No, us neither, but in new, wild, news beamed down from Goop World, the brand has launched a candle entitled ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’. Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle wrought havoc on the life of one British woman when her little bit of mood lighting turned into a roaring blaze. Jody Thompson of Kilburn, North London told The Sun that she won the anatomically-inspired home good in an online quiz, but got more than she bargained for when she went to light it.
“The candle exploded and emitted huge flames, with bits flying everywhere," she said. "I’ve never seen anything like it. The whole thing was ablaze and it was too hot to touch. There was an inferno in the room.” However, eventually, Thompson said she and her partner, David Snow, “We eventually got it under control and threw it out the front door." A Goop spokeswoman told The Post in a statement that Thompson’s candle wasn’t purchased through the outlet so “we aren’t able to verify its authenticity.”
This isn’t the first time Paltrow and Goop have cashed in on the female anatomy to stir up a little controversy. In the past, the company has shocked customers by endorsing vaginal steaming, a $15,000 24-carat gold-plated vibrator, and jade yoni eggs. Paltrow's debut $75 candle in her collaboration with Heretic sold out within a matter of hours last year, prompting her to launch a second yoni-centric scent this summer—“This Smells Like My Orgasm.”
Speaking to Ellen DeGeneres, Gwyneth revealed she made the This Smells Like My Vagina candle to challenge the idea that ‘women have been taught to have a certain amount of shame about their body’. ‘If you just light a candle that says This Smells Like My Vagina and put it on the coffee table, it’s kind of a punk rock statement,’ she said.
“This candle started as a joke between perfumer Douglas Little and GP,” reads the website. “The two were working on a fragrance, and she blurted out, “Uhhh..this smells like a vagina’ — but evolved into a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent. (That turned out to be perfect as a candle.)”
The scent of the Goop vagina candle is composed of geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed and is meant to be “funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected.” And what could be more beautifully unexpected than a shower of sparks flying all over the living room every time you light it? Truly, has any vagina ever been as fruitful as Gwyneth Paltrow’s? It has birthed discussions of vaginal steaming, vaginal jade eggs, $15,000 dildos, something called “sex dust” and a photo of Gwyneth standing in a giant vagina to advertise some inevitable Netflix documentary/reality TV series crossover.
Because Gwyneth no longer has just her head up her vagina; she has crawled all the way inside. I am torn between suggesting this is a very advanced yoga position accessible only to those who have endless free time to practise, and pointing out this is The Human Centipede, but for extreme narcissists. Let’s go with both.
So Gwyneth has made a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina because, well, of course she has. It is priced at a comparatively bargain £58, which was pretty much what the sex dust cost, which makes me think Gwyneth is underpricing her vagina, really, if she is just selling it for the price of a load of old dust. And I say “was what the sex dust cost” because the sex dust, like the vagina candle, sold out.
Yes, Gwyneth’s vagina has been good to us, but it has primarily been good to her. Well, in the main. As all of us ladies know, sometimes there can be problems in that department, and while most of us sort ours out with a dose of Canesten, Gwyneth’s vagina problem, in classic Gwyneth fashion, ended up costing her $145,000 (£110,000). This was in 2018 when her near-notorious wellness company, Goop, was fined under California’s civil penalties laws for making what was described as “unsubstantiated” marketing claims about the aforementioned jade egg. It turns out, incredibly, that shoving a random object up your vagina won’t “balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, prevent uterine prolapse and increase bladder control”.
In fact, the gynaecologist Dr Jen Gunter, in an open letter to Gwyneth that went as viral as an unwashed jade egg, suggested that it might cause toxic shock syndrome. Despite that, it is still for sale on goop.com, for a steal at a mere £60, although after that legal unpleasantness, the only words next to it on the site are: “Eggs are pre-drilled for string add-on, we recommend using unwaxed dental floss.” The mind does truly boggle.
Still, Goop is worth more than a quarter of a billion dollars, largely because of Gwyneth talking about her vagina, so no wonder she has a smile on her face (or maybe that’s just the vaginal egg). So, light that candle, breathe deep and accept the facts: this is Gwyneth’s vagina. And the rest of us just live in it. It has answered perhaps the greatest question of all: what does Gwyneth’s vagina smell like?
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